So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
