hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
