During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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