I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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