Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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