Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
