I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
