two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
