So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
