fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
