Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
