so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
