bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
