how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
