last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
