Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
