My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You made out with two different species that night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
