I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
