I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
