So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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