It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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