Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
