So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
