I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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