she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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