She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
