I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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