even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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