Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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