why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
