Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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