Swine flu. Run for my life!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
