i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
