I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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