this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
