i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
