Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
