Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
