I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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