i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
