apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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