I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
