Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
