The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
