I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
