Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
