my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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