my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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