We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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