I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
