If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
